Life goes by so very fast. I am so guilty of thinking that the day, the week, the month is never going to end but then poof it's gone and you can't get it back. All you get to take with you into the next day is the memories of the one's before.
I tell you this because I am sitting here looking at the snow forecast for the weekend and thinking, "winter is NEVER going to end!" I then read on someone's fb post that they are praying for a peaceful end to their loved one's life. Perspective for me.
Life goes fast...winter IS going to end and the only thing we'll take from it are the memories of the days that we were snowed in, or the extra time we spent in the car with our kids because the roads were slowing people down, the cute hats and mittens we put our little ones in, the lazy weekend because it's too cold and snowy to even try to venture out.
Life goes fast...another friend is posting about her parent's 43rd wedding anniversary while her brother posts pictures of the years throughout their marriage. I bet the wedding day never seemed like it would come, the pregnancies a feeling that never ending bulging tummy, illnesses and healing that may have occurred through the years that seemed like they were going to last forever and yet, they have pushed through and are here to make more memories this day and perhaps think, "where has the time gone?"
Life goes fast...my dear friend bravely fought her cancer for 5 short months. I would imagine those months didn't feel fast as they went to doctor's appointments and healed from surgery and watched the changes that cancer had made in their loved one. Now that she has passed away, I would bet that it feels like it went too fast.
Life goes fast...when our children are born it seems like eternity when you're sleep deprived and waking up for 3 am feedings, when you're potty training and when they hit those terrifying 3's and sassy teenage years. Then somehow they are old enough to have babies, get married, move away to college and you wonder how it all seemed to go so quickly.
Life goes fast...when my job ended at the CAC, it seemed to take forever to find another job. Then 6 months into my job with Nelnet, I was granted an interview with the YWCA. It almost seems like a lifetime ago because so much has happened but yesterday I celebrated my one year anniversary.
Life goes fast...so hold on tight to each of your blessings, love with all you have, forgive as we have been forgiven, don't let people live rent free in your soul for too long, speak kindness into the world, compliment often, speak love, and most of all remember that what seems to be taking too long or what seems to be a really long and hard struggle will be over and will only be a memory soon enough. Remember that each day we have on Earth is temporary and is only here to prepare us for what is next to come.
xxoo
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Cancer - Not Cancer
On January 24th, my dear friend called me and said the PET scan shows what is 99% sure to be cancer in his lymph nodes throughout his entire body. The doctor said that of the 10 things it could be, 9 of them were a form of cancer and the 10th had such a low possibility that he had never seen it. So we prepared for the final diagnosis of cancer, following a biopsy, and looked into possible treatments.
On January 25th, another beautiful dear friend of mine was put into hospice after a very short battle with glioblastoma (brain cancer). She was diagnosed late last year and had surgery and chemo and radiation. There was never a prognosis that allowed her to survive, just extended the time we had with her. It was determined that none of those things works and that the tumor was bigger and growing.
Last night, the world lost a beautiful, beautiful soul. She was my first real friend at W&R and she gave incredible advice and was a source of amusement and always reminded me of the bigger picture when I got in my own way. From our Laffy Taffy breaks to Weight Watcher Saturdays and lunches, to Pizza Friday and fried green beans, to mall walking and sharing Honest Abe's burgers and fries. She was bigger than life and one of the most generous beings on the planet. She truly lived life her way and lived her life to the fullest. She will be greatly missed. My heart is sad for those of us she left behind but happy for her that she is at peace and no longer suffering. Her presence will be missed by many.
Today, we found out that my other dear friend does not in fact have cancer. He is a UNICORN of all unicorns in that what was 99% cancer, is not cancer and is an infection of some sorts. While I know that an infection can be very serious and dangerous (especially as it courses through so many parts of his body), I refuse not to let my heart do a little dance for him not having cancer. Today I will celebrate his not having cancer. We will deal with whatever the infectious disease doctors have to say when that day comes. For now I am going to proclaim "cancer will NOT get THIS friend!"
A heavy heart that is able to find the joy in the non-heavy moments. Cancer is ugly. Cancer is powerful. Not having cancer is beautiful and a non-cancer diagnosis will be cheered for.
On January 25th, another beautiful dear friend of mine was put into hospice after a very short battle with glioblastoma (brain cancer). She was diagnosed late last year and had surgery and chemo and radiation. There was never a prognosis that allowed her to survive, just extended the time we had with her. It was determined that none of those things works and that the tumor was bigger and growing.
Last night, the world lost a beautiful, beautiful soul. She was my first real friend at W&R and she gave incredible advice and was a source of amusement and always reminded me of the bigger picture when I got in my own way. From our Laffy Taffy breaks to Weight Watcher Saturdays and lunches, to Pizza Friday and fried green beans, to mall walking and sharing Honest Abe's burgers and fries. She was bigger than life and one of the most generous beings on the planet. She truly lived life her way and lived her life to the fullest. She will be greatly missed. My heart is sad for those of us she left behind but happy for her that she is at peace and no longer suffering. Her presence will be missed by many.
Today, we found out that my other dear friend does not in fact have cancer. He is a UNICORN of all unicorns in that what was 99% cancer, is not cancer and is an infection of some sorts. While I know that an infection can be very serious and dangerous (especially as it courses through so many parts of his body), I refuse not to let my heart do a little dance for him not having cancer. Today I will celebrate his not having cancer. We will deal with whatever the infectious disease doctors have to say when that day comes. For now I am going to proclaim "cancer will NOT get THIS friend!"
A heavy heart that is able to find the joy in the non-heavy moments. Cancer is ugly. Cancer is powerful. Not having cancer is beautiful and a non-cancer diagnosis will be cheered for.
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Safe and Somber
Our beautiful G is in the hospital again. She had a little set back. We have been well informed by many in the profession that this would likely happen again. It doesn't make it any easier...
She took herself off of her medications a couple of weeks ago. By the time she told us, it was too late to just re-start them at her regular doses. We have to go back to square one and re-start at the lowest, safest dose and titrate up again. To be completely honest, she could have very well ended up in the hospital even if she hadn't taken herself off of them.
For those of you not living in the mental health world, the most obvious question is, "why in the world would she do that?!" The answer is simple, and not simple at the same time. She wants to be "normal." Don't we all? She sees her friends laughing and having a good time. She wants to do that but she has a major depression disorder and she doesn't feel that same joy. So she thinks, "my friends don't need medicine to feel normal..." or "maybe my meds are too strong to feel any other emotion..." When she doesn't feel normal, she feels like she's broken and there is nothing that will change that will allow her to feel that joy. She begins to feel hopeless and lost.
Most people in the mental health world have experienced the exact same thoughts and feelings. Another common thought is, "I feel better, I don't really need these meds." It's not uncommon to take yourself off of your meds. It's not uncommon to not reach out to those around you in your support system before taking yourself off of the meds.
"If she had cancer, would anyone question why she was in the hospital again? No, they'd just be thankful that the hospital and doctors are there to treat her." This statement was made to me...I need to remember that. It's hard, especially if you constantly feel like you have to justify her treatment to others.
We want to let other people know that it's okay to talk about mental health. It's okay to ask questions, as long as they are supportive questions; questions to learn more about her processes and diagnosis. Those questions help end the stigma. It's okay to offer resources. "If it was my kid, I would do xyz..." statements are not really helpful. Especially if you haven't walked this journey with us. You don't know what we already have done; you don't know what the doctors have done; you don't know what our daily life looks like; you don't know enough about her diagnosis to determine what you would do in the same situation.
We are thankful for the support and prayers that are offered. I just visited with her and she is safe. She is somber. She is talking about the future. We don't know what tomorrow will be like. We don't know what the next step is yet. Most likely she will be home in a few days and we will continue on this journey. There will be blips, there will be highs, there will be lows. This is a daily battle. Some days it takes a fly swatter to beat and some days it takes a full army of tanks.
She took herself off of her medications a couple of weeks ago. By the time she told us, it was too late to just re-start them at her regular doses. We have to go back to square one and re-start at the lowest, safest dose and titrate up again. To be completely honest, she could have very well ended up in the hospital even if she hadn't taken herself off of them.
For those of you not living in the mental health world, the most obvious question is, "why in the world would she do that?!" The answer is simple, and not simple at the same time. She wants to be "normal." Don't we all? She sees her friends laughing and having a good time. She wants to do that but she has a major depression disorder and she doesn't feel that same joy. So she thinks, "my friends don't need medicine to feel normal..." or "maybe my meds are too strong to feel any other emotion..." When she doesn't feel normal, she feels like she's broken and there is nothing that will change that will allow her to feel that joy. She begins to feel hopeless and lost.
Most people in the mental health world have experienced the exact same thoughts and feelings. Another common thought is, "I feel better, I don't really need these meds." It's not uncommon to take yourself off of your meds. It's not uncommon to not reach out to those around you in your support system before taking yourself off of the meds.
"If she had cancer, would anyone question why she was in the hospital again? No, they'd just be thankful that the hospital and doctors are there to treat her." This statement was made to me...I need to remember that. It's hard, especially if you constantly feel like you have to justify her treatment to others.
We want to let other people know that it's okay to talk about mental health. It's okay to ask questions, as long as they are supportive questions; questions to learn more about her processes and diagnosis. Those questions help end the stigma. It's okay to offer resources. "If it was my kid, I would do xyz..." statements are not really helpful. Especially if you haven't walked this journey with us. You don't know what we already have done; you don't know what the doctors have done; you don't know what our daily life looks like; you don't know enough about her diagnosis to determine what you would do in the same situation.
We are thankful for the support and prayers that are offered. I just visited with her and she is safe. She is somber. She is talking about the future. We don't know what tomorrow will be like. We don't know what the next step is yet. Most likely she will be home in a few days and we will continue on this journey. There will be blips, there will be highs, there will be lows. This is a daily battle. Some days it takes a fly swatter to beat and some days it takes a full army of tanks.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
The Holiday Season
Our gracious Board of Directors gifted all of my staff with the week off between Christmas and New Years. I "worked" (we had a party) until 3:00 on the 21st and go back to work in the morning.
It became very apparent to me during the weeks before Christmas that I truly needed some down time. I blogged that my entire soul was tired previously and I needed some respite.
I'm not sure I completely got that as we were still kind of busy but I did shut down for a bit. No work, no school, no Tupperware even. I just needed some time to reorganize my thoughts and soul.
We spent Friday night to Sunday evening in Kearney celebrating Christmas with our families. We spent Christmas Eve with Steve's uncle and spent Christmas Day with my mom and Pops. We spent hours playing games, watching movies, eating all the yummy foods that probably weren't very good for us. I got to take some naps, read 2 books that had nothing to do with school or work and spent a couple of days just hanging out in my pajamas.
We spent New Year's Eve with friends playing games, eating junk food, and crotcheting (against doctor's orders). Turns out I have tennis elbow which is what has been plaguing me with pain for the last several weeks. I'm in a brace and supposed to avoid repetitive motion (crotcheting and chopping vegetables) but I'm still doing a little bit of that because, well I only to get a break from school for so long and then all projects will go back on hold while I tackle more homework.
I won't say that I'm completely back to par. I will say that I'm less emotionally drained. I am almost ready to go back to work (only because I apparently have to have a paycheck) and I am getting ready for school to start again next week. I will be trying harder to take short breaks and attempting to not get quite so emotionally exhausted as the new year kicks off. The last 6ish months has taught me that I really do need to step back every so often and just take a deep breath. I think it's the only way to keep going during this truly busy season in our lives.
Wishing you and yours a fabulous kick off to the new year. I hope you remember to take some time to just breathe it all in.
It became very apparent to me during the weeks before Christmas that I truly needed some down time. I blogged that my entire soul was tired previously and I needed some respite.
I'm not sure I completely got that as we were still kind of busy but I did shut down for a bit. No work, no school, no Tupperware even. I just needed some time to reorganize my thoughts and soul.
We spent Friday night to Sunday evening in Kearney celebrating Christmas with our families. We spent Christmas Eve with Steve's uncle and spent Christmas Day with my mom and Pops. We spent hours playing games, watching movies, eating all the yummy foods that probably weren't very good for us. I got to take some naps, read 2 books that had nothing to do with school or work and spent a couple of days just hanging out in my pajamas.
We spent New Year's Eve with friends playing games, eating junk food, and crotcheting (against doctor's orders). Turns out I have tennis elbow which is what has been plaguing me with pain for the last several weeks. I'm in a brace and supposed to avoid repetitive motion (crotcheting and chopping vegetables) but I'm still doing a little bit of that because, well I only to get a break from school for so long and then all projects will go back on hold while I tackle more homework.
I won't say that I'm completely back to par. I will say that I'm less emotionally drained. I am almost ready to go back to work (only because I apparently have to have a paycheck) and I am getting ready for school to start again next week. I will be trying harder to take short breaks and attempting to not get quite so emotionally exhausted as the new year kicks off. The last 6ish months has taught me that I really do need to step back every so often and just take a deep breath. I think it's the only way to keep going during this truly busy season in our lives.
Wishing you and yours a fabulous kick off to the new year. I hope you remember to take some time to just breathe it all in.
Monday, December 17, 2018
Tired #endthestigma
There are days that I just can't find the words to express how exhausting depression is. Everyone says that. I say that...people ask how I am and the answer is, "tired." Two of my daughters tell me that when I ask if they're ok, "yep, just tired mom." I understand that "tired."
It's not a lie. I am tired. Tired of fighting the battle within myself to get up in the morning. Tired of fighting the tapes that play over and over in my mind. Tired of the insomnia and anxiety that prevent me from really feeling like I'm getting any sleep at all. Tired of never feeling like quite enough. Tired of feeling as though I've failed so many people, so many times. Tired of trying to figure out what is real and what is just perception. Tired of "being strong" all of the time. Tired of feeling guilty for the things that I cannot change. Tired of feeling responsible for all the balls in the air. Tired of feeling guilty for feeling so crappy when I have so much to be thankful for.
I have said to a couple of people, "my soul is tired...so tired." I am so blessed. I am. I am aware of all that I have. I am aware of all of God's glory and mercy. Depression doesn't make me not realize how blessed I am. Depression doesn't make me not see how it could absolutely be so much worse. Depression doesn't make me not sympathetic to other's plights.
"
Anxiety allows me to know how much worse it could be. Anxiety lets me feel all the worst-case scenarios that will most likely never happen in my life. Anxiety makes sure that while I'm so thankful that my children are safe, I know almost exactly what it would feel like to lose them because I'm have many moments where I just knew they were gone. (I'll have to try to explain that one sometime--although, if you have anxiety, you already understand it.)
My reason for sharing this...my goal...isn't for sympathy. It isn't to excuse my withdrawn behavior (that I try VERY hard to hide). It isn't to say "oh bother, poor me." It isn't to wave a flag drawing attention to myself and have people "check in" on my. It's to work towards ending the stigma. A friend (who is probably more of an acquaintance but I prefer friend), posted some really brave stuff about some things but also his depression. My daughter (beautiful and brave 15 year-old) tries to share her journey with depression and anxiety.
So my goal is to be more open and honest about my living with bi-polar, depression, anxiety, chronic pain and auto-immune disorders, parenting children with mental health journeys, being a wife who can never quite keep up with her husband because often I'm too self-absorbed in my own "madness" and sometimes I am just too worn out.
By sharing our stories, someone will feel less alone, someone may get help, someone may share their story.
It's not a lie. I am tired. Tired of fighting the battle within myself to get up in the morning. Tired of fighting the tapes that play over and over in my mind. Tired of the insomnia and anxiety that prevent me from really feeling like I'm getting any sleep at all. Tired of never feeling like quite enough. Tired of feeling as though I've failed so many people, so many times. Tired of trying to figure out what is real and what is just perception. Tired of "being strong" all of the time. Tired of feeling guilty for the things that I cannot change. Tired of feeling responsible for all the balls in the air. Tired of feeling guilty for feeling so crappy when I have so much to be thankful for.
I have said to a couple of people, "my soul is tired...so tired." I am so blessed. I am. I am aware of all that I have. I am aware of all of God's glory and mercy. Depression doesn't make me not realize how blessed I am. Depression doesn't make me not see how it could absolutely be so much worse. Depression doesn't make me not sympathetic to other's plights.
"
Anxiety allows me to know how much worse it could be. Anxiety lets me feel all the worst-case scenarios that will most likely never happen in my life. Anxiety makes sure that while I'm so thankful that my children are safe, I know almost exactly what it would feel like to lose them because I'm have many moments where I just knew they were gone. (I'll have to try to explain that one sometime--although, if you have anxiety, you already understand it.)
My reason for sharing this...my goal...isn't for sympathy. It isn't to excuse my withdrawn behavior (that I try VERY hard to hide). It isn't to say "oh bother, poor me." It isn't to wave a flag drawing attention to myself and have people "check in" on my. It's to work towards ending the stigma. A friend (who is probably more of an acquaintance but I prefer friend), posted some really brave stuff about some things but also his depression. My daughter (beautiful and brave 15 year-old) tries to share her journey with depression and anxiety.
So my goal is to be more open and honest about my living with bi-polar, depression, anxiety, chronic pain and auto-immune disorders, parenting children with mental health journeys, being a wife who can never quite keep up with her husband because often I'm too self-absorbed in my own "madness" and sometimes I am just too worn out.
By sharing our stories, someone will feel less alone, someone may get help, someone may share their story.
Birthdays
To be honest, I wasn't positive we would be celebrating this birthday. I know that there were many times she wished that she weren't alive to celebrate it. There were so many times over the last couple of years that she just didn't want to live. She didn't really want to die all the time, she just didn't care if she lived, and sometimes she did things to try to prevent living.
She turned 15 a week ago and I was scared that we wouldn't make it to that day. I am so thankful that we were able to celebrate her here with us and not a heavenly birthday as we do each year for my sister; not a birthday in an institution either. She was able to be home with us. We were able to love on her and show her how happy we are that she is here with us. I may have even snuck in a birthday spanking.
The last couple of years have been scary as we've fought for her life. It still is some moments. We are on a journey that we don't have a very good GPS for. We pray that we will just travel safely and without too many detours. We are constantly on a detour with her. One we choose to take and one we will never stop taking, even if we have to hit a rest area every once in awhile.
I can't believe this girl is 15 already. The years go by so fast, even as they sometimes seem to drag while we're living them in the moments. G has taught me to take each day as a gift. G has taught me how to truly look at the blessings in all of the small things. G has taught me to count each small victory. G has taught me that when I think I know all that I can know, there's more to learn.
She turned 15 a week ago and I was scared that we wouldn't make it to that day. I am so thankful that we were able to celebrate her here with us and not a heavenly birthday as we do each year for my sister; not a birthday in an institution either. She was able to be home with us. We were able to love on her and show her how happy we are that she is here with us. I may have even snuck in a birthday spanking.
The last couple of years have been scary as we've fought for her life. It still is some moments. We are on a journey that we don't have a very good GPS for. We pray that we will just travel safely and without too many detours. We are constantly on a detour with her. One we choose to take and one we will never stop taking, even if we have to hit a rest area every once in awhile.
I can't believe this girl is 15 already. The years go by so fast, even as they sometimes seem to drag while we're living them in the moments. G has taught me to take each day as a gift. G has taught me how to truly look at the blessings in all of the small things. G has taught me to count each small victory. G has taught me that when I think I know all that I can know, there's more to learn.
Monday, November 5, 2018
Balls in the Air
I can't keep up. I keep dropping little balls here and there and I feel like a big ball of failure. Notes from teachers, doctor's appointments, who needs to be where, calls I need to return, calls I need to make, texts I need to send, texts I need to respond to, emails I need to follow up on...The list goes on and on and I just keep hoping I'm juggling it all into the right hemisphere at least.
I just got the second call from a school this morning. The first call was because I forgot to call in my sick kid. I appreciate those calls because that lets me know that they are aware my child is gone. I will always know if she doesn't show up after her walk to school. I feel bad when they have to call me. Like I'm this irresponsible parent who just can't handle picking up the phone and calling her in.
The second call was because of a form I needed to have filled out by one of the kid's doctors for their IEP. I was supposed to do that last week. That meeting we had on Monday feels like a lifetime ago. How has it only been a week? How has it been a week already? Of course the child saw that doctor this morning and of course I forgot to send the form with them for the appointment so now I will have to figure out a way to get the form to the doctor and get it back in a timely manner. My forgetfulness has now created more work.
We had 3 kids with doctor's appointments this morning. All before noon. Thankful to my hubby for taking two of them and thankful for an adult child who gets to take herself.
I forgot to prep for the crock pot meal that was supposed to go in at 8:00 this morning. I don't what my family will be eating while I'm at class. Surely they won't starve right?
I have class today so I won't be home until 8:00 tonight. I also have to find time in my day to run to the hospital and get a binder that I forgot to get for one kid's schoolwork. I am anxious about a situation that I've been dealing with and it just keeps rearing its ugly head. I am feeling a little heartbroken for some friends of the past who's son died tragically; a little reminded that life is that precious and unprepared for things can happen so quickly. I'm re-entering cc receipts for work that I've now had to do 3 times because it didn't save properly.
I know it's a day, a couple pages in the book of this thing called my life. It's just a lot and I'm hoping that if I put it out there in the universe, I'll be able to let some of those feelings go and just focus on what I need to do now...stop playing old failure tapes.
I just got the second call from a school this morning. The first call was because I forgot to call in my sick kid. I appreciate those calls because that lets me know that they are aware my child is gone. I will always know if she doesn't show up after her walk to school. I feel bad when they have to call me. Like I'm this irresponsible parent who just can't handle picking up the phone and calling her in.
The second call was because of a form I needed to have filled out by one of the kid's doctors for their IEP. I was supposed to do that last week. That meeting we had on Monday feels like a lifetime ago. How has it only been a week? How has it been a week already? Of course the child saw that doctor this morning and of course I forgot to send the form with them for the appointment so now I will have to figure out a way to get the form to the doctor and get it back in a timely manner. My forgetfulness has now created more work.
We had 3 kids with doctor's appointments this morning. All before noon. Thankful to my hubby for taking two of them and thankful for an adult child who gets to take herself.
I forgot to prep for the crock pot meal that was supposed to go in at 8:00 this morning. I don't what my family will be eating while I'm at class. Surely they won't starve right?
I have class today so I won't be home until 8:00 tonight. I also have to find time in my day to run to the hospital and get a binder that I forgot to get for one kid's schoolwork. I am anxious about a situation that I've been dealing with and it just keeps rearing its ugly head. I am feeling a little heartbroken for some friends of the past who's son died tragically; a little reminded that life is that precious and unprepared for things can happen so quickly. I'm re-entering cc receipts for work that I've now had to do 3 times because it didn't save properly.
I know it's a day, a couple pages in the book of this thing called my life. It's just a lot and I'm hoping that if I put it out there in the universe, I'll be able to let some of those feelings go and just focus on what I need to do now...stop playing old failure tapes.
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