Silver Badge

Thank you to anyone who prayed. I thought I'd share a little update...

I am the new recipient of a SILVER BADGE! Go me! This means that I've successfully worn my mask for at least 4 hours a night for 5 nights. (2.5 hours the first night and almost a full 8 last night). I have woken up with one slight headache ONE day. (I had not woken up without a headache for at least a month.)

I have the most patient and supportive Resp. Therapist who prayed for me the morning of my fitting. She knew my concerns, she knew my history, and she was incredibly sweet and let me take each moment at my own pace. She called me this morning to report that I am down to 5 events per night with none of them being periods of time longer than 10 seconds that I completely stop breathing. Before I started the therapy I was between 33 and 57 episodes. Quite an improvement in only 5 days. She cheered for me and addressed new concerns I have.

I cannot say how amazing my husband has been through this whole process. The first night, he stayed awake into the wee hours of the morning so that if I woke up and freaked out, he would be awake and there for me. He has patiently held my hand as I laid in bed trying to just figure out how to breath. He has taken breaths with me to try to settle my breathing pattern. I'm telling you...this man is something else.

I have NOT experienced the triggers that I was afraid of. I have not woken and frozen in fear except for about 5 seconds the second night.

I have been concerned about how horribly unsexy it might be to come to bed with a cyborg (my husband now says it's more like an astronaut). I have gone to wearing pretty nightgowns to bed. I took a selfie the other day...it's still completely unattractive but at least from the neck down, it doesn't make me look like a patient. My husband also reports that the lack of snoring is pretty sexy too! This probably seems like a silly thing to be worried about but it was very real and my resp. therapist assured me others had the same concern. :)

I am facing the fact that probably this is a forever thing. That's been hard to swallow but I'm getting there. I was so freaked out before about having something on my face that this new concern kind of surprises me. I asked the therapist if I would be able to eliminate it if I lost weight and she said "it's not a weight thing, it's a breathing thing" and that I probably would need it forever. So I'm going to give myself time to process this as well and just keep doing it.

Next up I have an overnight stay at St. E's sleep study clinic. They will monitor and adjust my oxygen flow throughout the night and find the best settings for me. Feeling some panic about that but I took the next day off for family fun time so I will be surrounded by those who love me most after spending a strange night in a strange place with strangers.

My next badge will be a Gold Badge when I reach 21 out of 30 days. Only 16 days away, well 17 because the night I'm in the hospital will be a night my machine won't record me.

Thank you again for your prayers! They are working!

The Night Haunts Me Even When I'm Awake

July 1995.

I was 18 years old. I had fallen asleep on the couch. That was my bed when I moved in with some friends. I fell asleep watching a movie.

I woke up and his fingers were around my throat and I felt like I was suffocating. He was biting my breasts and trying to have sex with me. His fingers digging into me.

I don't think he thought it was assault. I think he thought it was rough foreplay. I don't think he meant to hurt me, not in a mean sense.

I think he thought I wanted to have sex with him. I think I'd been flirty too many times, an 18 year old can be. I told him, while he was assaulting me, that I would have sex with him, but not while his wife was in the next room sleeping.

I didn't. I didn't want to before that happened and I didn't ever have sex with him. I just needed a way to get him off of me. It worked. He didn't rape me. We didn't have sex.

I woke up the next morning to bruising on my breasts, bruising on my neck, bruising on my arms and legs.

I also woke up the next morning to a new fear of my surroundings; a new fear of who I was. A new fear that somehow I had caused this. He winked at me that morning and asked if I was ok and I said "of course."

I didn't have anywhere to go. I had no car, very little money, no place to stay. So I made sure that I was never alone with him. I double thought about every word I said before I said it. I made sure that I didn't flirt. I made sure I didn't fall asleep at night and would only fall asleep in the day, when I felt it was safe.

When I have had surgery and woken up with the oxygen mask on my face, I had a horrifying panic attack that stayed with me for days. The doctors now put the nasal oxygen tubes on me before  waking me from any ssurger. My husband and kids know not to wake me up by touching me. At least one of our children has been hit, accidentally, for waking me up by touching me.

Now I have to have a CPAP machine. I'll be connected to a machine while I sleep. I go in the morning to try a "nasal pillow" because I can't have anything on my face while I sleep. I've told the nurse my story and she promised to work with me to try to make this work. It's the least invasive one they make. 

Pray for me? Pray for it be tolerable? I want to breathe while I sleep again and not have such high blood pressure. I want to not wake up with such horrible headaches anymore and I want to wake up and feel like I've actually slept. This "pillow" should help with that, if I can stop seeing his face and feeling his hands on me every time I think about.

Happy Father's Day

Sunday is going to get here and I won't be able to take the time to write this so I'm doing it a little early.

Happy Father's Day to all the incredibly special fathers in my life.

If you are my friend and are a father, know that I am thinking of you this day and wishing you an amazing day.

If you are the father of a friend of mine and have ever included me in part of your family, Happy Father's Day!

If you are my brother (happy 1st FD!), uncle, cousin, etc...and a father, thank you for showing up every day.

If you are the biological father of one of my children and I am not, or have not been married to you, thank you for sharing your beautiful children with me.

If you are my father or my step-father or father-in-law, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY! I love you! I may be biased but I'm pretty sure I have some of the best dads in the universe! Thank you for all that you have taught me and thank you for loving me even when I'm not easy to love.

If you are my husband, and the amazing father to children that you are biologically related to and not biologically related to you, I love you. Thank you for walking this parenting journey with me. Thank you for stepping into shoes that were left for you to fill. Thank you for the sacrifices that you make for our children every day. Thank you for loving me every step of the way. Thank you for loving and accepting our family for what it is and not being disappointed in what it isn't. We don't give you nearly enough credit for all that you do and we want you to know that we appreciate you. I appreciate you.

Happy Father's Day!

June is BUSY! (Family Update)

Somehow the month is already half over and it feels like this summer is going to fly by. We have had the Annual Homework Burn and spent a short weekend in Kearney. We were able to spend some time with Steve's family and visited my Aunt Linda and Grandma Carson. We had an epic time at Heritage Days and Steve and I even donned costumes for a little Sumo Wrestling. If you haven't checked out the video on my FB page, you really should...you will laugh!

https://www.facebook.com/samantha.fankhauser/videos/10216651018454999/

Tai came home at the end of May and it has been pretty much non-stop since. She had started applying for jobs before she even came home and is currently working at Embark Grooming Salon. She loves it! This girl loves dogs! She has been offered a job at Nelnet and so we shall see what direction she goes. We will celebrate her graduation with family and friends this Sunday.

Ariez is up early everyday for summer school. Steve and I take turns taking him and then one of the other drivers in the house goes to pick him up. He informed me today that his summer will not be long enough because of having to go to school. This will better support him for his graduation needs so he might not quite see the benefits of it right now but hopefully will next school year he'll be thankful to have these classes out of the way.

Treyson got back Sunday from a week-long trip to Yellowstone. He went with about 9 other people from Zoo school. It sounds like he had just an amazing time. They camped and one night they even were "under the stars" as they didn't want to have to pack up the tents in the morning. They took turns preparing campfire meals each night and had some great hikes and a raft trip. He saw a bear and thought that the geysers were really neat.

Genevieve is currently packing for her own trip to Wyoming with the High School Youth Group. She leaves bright and early on Tuesday and I think she's pretty excited. I don't know how she got old enough to go on a High School age group but apparently she is. They will spend a week at Table in the Wilderness and I pray it will be a spiritual trip for her. When she gets back, she will be a teacher assistant to the pre-schoolers for VBS.

Reyanne is currently at Camp Marantha for the Middle School Youth Group. She left on Monday and will be home on Sunday. We don't get to talk to her but I've seen a couple of pictures and it looks like she's having fun. She was smiling and didn't appear to have any bandages. :) I can't wait to hear all about her trip when she gets home. This is her first year for camp and I think she was mostly excited with a little bit of nerves.

Steve and I just keep plugging away. He works long hours at Nelnet and is a pack leader for Boy Scouts. I am in "budget season" for work and enjoying my grief facilitator volunteer gig with Mourning Hope. I've shared with you that we are working our way through "A Purpose Driven Life" and we try to take small breaks and spend some time just fostering our relationship in intentional ways. The other night we laid out on the trampoline and just watched the clouds move and planned our back yard for family bbq's and grandchildren. I'm so thankful to be on this journey with him.

It's Okay to Start Over

As I continue my journey through life, and through "The Purpose Driven Life", and my journey through new challenges, and my latest battle with overwhelming anxiety, I realize that I am forever going to be a work in progress. I am learning hard things about myself, about my relationships with others; not bad things always but learning things about how I thought I was treating people versus how I was actually treating people. I'm learning why I was doing some things versus how I thought I was doing things and how I want to do them going forward.

Don't get me wrong...I know that there is a lot of good in me. There's a lot of good in the things I do and have done. I simply want to make sure I'm intentional in those things. Love more selflessly, be more graceful, lead with a fuller heart, foster healthier relationships.  I want to continue to do those things that I do that are beautiful and with God present and I also want to grow and learn new, selfless ways to love and lead.

I have a tendency to learn things about myself and then just feel really crappy about all the wrong ways I was doing things. I hold onto my sins and my mistakes as a declaration of reasons why I am "unloveable, undeserving, not good enough, etc..." I can continue to do that, or I could forgive myself as God forgives us and be steadfast in doing better. I could allow myself the same grace that God allows me and the same grace that I allow other people. That seems like a harder, but healthier and more productive option.

I saw this great quote once that said, "if we want to get someplace we've never been, we must be willing to do something we've never done." That might not be exactly how the saying goes but you get the idea. I say this often to my husband when we take intentional time to really grow together as a couple. I say this as I begin my "quit smoking journey" and my new "lifestyle/menu/eating journey." And now I'm saying this to myself on my "spiritual journey."

I am on a life-long journey and I am not defined only by my past. I am defined by what I choose to do with the things I learn and my willingness and ability to change and continuously be a better me than I was the day before. I know that I will stumble along the way. I want to be able to accept that and just keep going. I want to have the knowledge, ability, and courage to say "it's okay" and start all over again.

The "Goliath" in My Life

The story of David and Goliath is important because it reminds us that through God, all things are possible. David said to a taunting Goliath, "You come against me with the sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord...all those watching will know that the Lord saves." David then took a stone and slingshot and hit Goliath in the forehead and Goliath was a giant beaten by not a small, under-equipped man but by the man with God on his side.

Sometimes the Goliath in my life is an actual person. Someone that causes me to re-think the way I see things. Someone that I feel threatens the things that I hold dear to me. Someone who creates conflict in my space.

Sometimes, the Goliath in my life is my mental health. Sometimes, my physical health. Sometimes, I am my own Goliath through my thoughts and actions.

What I struggle sometimes to remember is that I am not alone in any battle that is for good. I have God and His grace and love save. They will cover me to go into the battle. Sometimes I too am like David and I am under-equipped and smaller than the giant that I must battle. In those times, I am not alone. It is not by my own actions that I will win the battle.

I'd do well to remember. I'm sure I'll forget again, maybe even later today but I'll know it and God will remind me and allow me to feel centered again. On a side note, when I imagine this Goliath  as a big mocking beast like person, it makes me smile. Especially when I know that the battle I fight is for good.

1-800-273-TALK(8255)

I woke up this morning to the very sad news that yet another high profile celebrity had completed suicide. This has been a hard week. May Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain's souls find the peace in the afterlife that they could not find on this Earthly world. May their families find a peace in the sadness and the not knowing.

The AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) notes that on average, 123 people complete suicide a day. They further report that only 1 of every 25 attempts is successful. Keep in mind that these numbers are completely underreported and only accurate to the degree of what is known. This does not account for the amount of people who attempt suicide each day and do not succeed. This does not account for people who have completed suicide but done so in an untraceable way.

These numbers are on the rise. All reports show that the rate of suicide is going up. This is tragic. May all of those people find a peace that they could not find here. May people have the strength to talk about it. May we find a hope and peace for the future.

How do we find hope in those stats? I don't know.

I have attempted suicide multiple times. I have laid in bed and thought of ways to end my life; the when, where, how. I have begged for strength and courage to simple end the suffering and anxiety and depression. I have wished for that one bad diagnosis from the doctors that would mean an end to my life. I have thought the "if only" thoughts.

I get it. Life can be hard. Really hard. When you're fighting demons in your mind that tell you that you are worthless and stupid and not deserving of love. When someone you love hurts you to your very core. When the world seems to be spinning out of control with no sense of it stopping. When it feels like nothing is going right. Even when it feels like everything is going right but there is a sadness so deep within your soul that the brightness cannot find it.

Reach out. The National Suicide Prevention Line is 1-800-273-TALK(8255). It can be anonymous. Nobody has to know the dark, troubled thoughts in your mind if you don't want them to.

Reach out. Text me, call me, message me, Snapchat me. Day or night. I'm here. If I know you a little or if I know you a lot.

Reach out. Call a friend who can just be in your space with you. Someone who isn't demanding or has a need to 'fix' every situation. Or someone who does need to 'fix' everything.

Reach out. To a therapist. To a doctor.

Reach out. Post what you need to on social media. There are such beautiful scriptures, pictures, thoughts on social media. If you need to just get words out but don't know how or where to, do it there.

Share your story. Let people in. If for no other reason than to let someone else know that they are not alone.

You are NOT alone. I know that you feel like you are. You are NOT alone.

You are NOT worthless and undeserving of love and attention and peace. I know you feel like you are. You are NOT undeserving.

You are NOT the sum of what people make you feel like you are. Even when those people are the one's who should love you the most. You are NOT those things.

You are NOT the tapes that play in your head and you are NOT the things that depression and anxiety tell you that you are. I know those tapes play loudly. You are NOT those things.

As a survivor of someone who completed suicide, a club that I never asked to join, I can tell you that our lives make a difference to people. Your life means so much more to someone than maybe they've told you. Or maybe they've told you and you couldn't hear it or feel it because your mind wouldn't let you. Your life matters. Your heart matters. Your feelings matter. Your thoughts matter. You matter.

My life matters. My heart matters. My feelings matter. My thoughts matter. I matter.