"just..."

This may very well be an unpopular post. That's ok. You may not agree with me. That's ok. You may agree with me. That's okay too.

This post is not about the medicinal properties of THC or hemp or any of the positive things that can come from mj. This post is not about the legalities or if it should or shouldn't be legal. It's not legal where I live and therefore, it's an illegal substance so "but it SHOULD be legal" is not a valid argument to this particular post.

I have smoked weed. I have enjoyed a few edibles in my day. That's just my disclaimer so nobody can say, "but you...".

Here's when I have a problem with weed (and alcohol for that matter or really any substance (food included) that you may be using)...

If you are willing to throw away the stability of your family to consistently get high, it's not "just" weed.

If you are willing to put your child at risk because of your actions, it's not "just" weed.

If you have no other goal in your day than to get high, it's not "just" weed.

If you are not able to gain willful employment because you can't pass a drug test, it's not "just" weed.

If you like to get high every once in awhile, it's "just" weed.

If your life consists of so much more than just chasing that high, it's "just" weed.

If you are a productive member of society and are self-supporting and still smoke weed, it's "just" weed.

If you are using weed to medicate and that's the ONLY time you use it, it's "just" weed.

If whatever substance you are using is in fact no longer optional but required for living, you may have a problem. Let's get help. I need help with food. I need help with cigarettes. I need help. Do you need help? If so, reach out. Please. Addiction to anything never impacts just the person using. Never.

Balancing Symptoms and Side Effects

Mania and anxiety can increase one's sexual drive.
Depression can zap one's sex drive.
Antidepressants can zap one's sex drive.
Lack of antidepressants can increases one's mania and anxiety (as well as depression).
No antidepressants can make one feel like crying at anything and everything.
Antidepressants can make one feel numb to all of it.

The list just goes on and on. This is the all too common balancing act for those living with depression and anxiety. Through in some bipolar disorder just for fun and it's a lot. To treat or not to treat. Are the symptoms worse than the side effects of the medications? Do the medications take away good things in your life that have nothing to do with your mental health (SEX!)?

Mental illness and the symptoms of treating or not treating do not care if you're rich or poor. They do not care if you have a college degree or don't. They do not care if your life is typical a stress ball or if your life is super calm. They do not care if you have 1 kiddo or 8 kiddos. They do not care if you are a man or a woman, homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual. They don't care if you're a Christian, Muslim, atheist. They don't care if you "come from a good home/family" or if you are "street rat (Aladdin).

None of the ways you use to identify yourself matter when it comes to mental illness and the symptoms of treating or not treating. Obviously those stations and identities can play a part in mental illness, but they don't cause mental illness and they don't protect you from mental illness. They can determine the type of treatment you get but they can't keep you from experiencing side effects that are often unpleasant to live with.

Welcome to my reality for the day. I'm going to bite the bullet and increase one of my meds. I know what to expect. The side effects are annoying but not worse than the symptoms at this time.

Boss's Day

It's National Boss's Day. It has me thinking about all sorts of bosses and what they've taught me over the years. It's made me think about how I have become the professional person that I am today. It's made me think about what influence I have had in other's lives because of their influences.

My first bosses ever...my parents. They have certainly taught me a lot. Some of those lessons were about things I wanted to do differently when I became a boss parent but they've mostly taught me my core lessons.

Bob, my boss at McDonald's when I was 16. Every time he would see me he would say, "hi Sam I am!" Every time I would respond with, "hi, Bob. Sam I Am, Bob You Are." I had some pretty great bosses at McD's throughout the years. I worked at 3 different locations in 2 different states, 3 different towns for 5 years total.

Mark from Cabela's. He had a laugh that you could hear a block away and he pretty much always had a smile on his face. He didn't fire me when I was pregnant and my hubby had to have emergency surgery. He showed grace and compassion.

The nasty boss I had as a sandwich artist. Actually, I had two nasty bosses from two different sandwich shops. I wonder if it was in the air? They actually taught me a LOT about who I didn't ever want to become if I were ever another employee's "boss."

John O, from W&R. I can't say enough amazing things about him. He was the greatest boss I've ever had. He taught me how to stand on my own two feet, not just professionally but also personally. He taught me that I deserved to feel some confidence in my work. He showed me how to achieve the things I wanted to achieve. He was compassionate when I needed compassion, stern when I needed stern, an ear when I needed to talk. I cried in his office more times than I would like to remember but always knew I could count on him. He led. He built. He never gave up on me. He was there during some of my darkest days. He was exactly the boss I needed at exactly those moments in my life. Thank you!!

The boss I had that could only feel successful if she was tearing someone down. The emotional abuse she puts people through is insane but I'll tell you something. I learned a lot from her. I learned how to balance the feelings you can have about someone's good sides and bad sides. I learned numbers and budgets and grants like nobody's business so I'm thankful for that.

My current LADY BOSS! KBD leads by example. She is constantly there to build and empower and pushes us all to be better people, to never turn an eye, to never go nasty but stay firm. She allows me to grow and attend trainings and be a part of a community and allows me to feel the mission of the YWCA.

Are you a boss? Are you the boss that you needed when you needed a boss? Do you have a boss? What lessons have you taken from your bosses through the years?

Today

It's a weird day.

It's Friday the 13th, which means nothing to me except my husband says those are the luckiest days of the year. :)

I recognized at 8:30 this morning that while I was dropping of Rileigh at school, that 7 years ago I was hearing her voice for the last time ever. Did I miss something? I don't think so. She sounded ok. Not great, she'd just gotten out of the hospital the day before, but not alarming. Nothing that made me concerned that it might be the last time I ever heard her live voice. "Call me if you need anything. I love you sissy." "Ok, I love you too sissy."

I recognized at 12:30 this afternoon that 7 years ago today she was officially deceased. We wouldn't know for another 4 hours but the police said she died between 8:30 a.m. and 12:00 p.m.

I'm not more sad today then I am any other time that I miss her. Then I feel guilty for that because maybe I'm supposed to be? I'm not more aware of her being gone today then I am other days. It's another day that she is not here with us.

I am so grateful that she is at peace. I am also thankful for our family, the big messy chaos of becoming a family with 6 kids instead of 3. I'm thankful for them all. I'm aware of the fact that had this day not happened 7 years ago, we wouldn't be that same family. I'm not more aware of that today then I am any other day.

That doesn't mean I don't value the significance of this day. I recognize that it might be a harder day for some other people. I want everyone to feel exactly how they need to feel today but am also hopeful that they recognize that today is a day. Tomorrow will be a new day of feelings and processing.

There's no real point to this post other than to say that I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel so I feel weird.

Love to all - me

Dear Mental Health

This was written by my pretty amazing 15 year old. She is insanely brave to share her journey and to keep fighting.

"Dear depression please stop thinking of ways you are going to crash the car.
Dear anxiety please stop worrying about people crashing into me.
Dear bipolar stop telling people you are crazy your not crazy.
Dear anxiety stop thinking about the day going bad.
Dear depression let me get out of this bed.
Dear anxiety I know I locked the door don't tell me I didn't lock the door.
Dear bipolar I don't want to laugh again.
Dear depression get out of bed I mean it.
Dear anxiety she's not looking at you, you're looking at her.
Dear depression stop asking Google if you have friends Google doesn't know anymore than you.
Dear anxiety stop thinking that Google knows everything about you.
Dear bipolar stop talking no one is listening.
Dear anxiety they aren't cheating and even if they were it's just a stupid board game.
Dear depression people do love you.
Dear brain stop rejecting the meds I need them to work this time.
Dear bipolar do not make me tell you to get out of this bed.
Dear anxiety stop telling my sister I love her she knows and she knew that the 8th time I told her today.
Dear depression you do not need to die you're fine.
Dear bipolar do not tell me I don't need these meds.
Dear anxiety could you just stop for a second I need to catch up on what we are worried about.
Dear depression thank you for getting out of bed but now the couch?
Dear bipolar I really don't need 12 hours of sleep but thanks for the suggestion.
Dear anxiety why are you you sweating it's 50 degrees out.
Dear depression please go play basketball.
Dear bipolar stop touching your sisters head shes probably annoyed.
Dear anxiety stop thinking.
Dear depression stop being gloomy.
And bipolar stop being a nebraskas weather wannabe it's not happening.
Dear mental health good bye." -- Genevieve Fankhauser

Courtney

We were friends back in the day. I have pictures of you from slumber parties and classes together and we worked together for a time. I can remember your smile, your tears, your laughter, your voice from choir together.

We didn't really stay in touch but I watched your family and life on Facebook. I laughed at so many of your posts and prayed for you when your aunt died. I applauded your son's graduation and your daughter's dances and your anniversaries and date nights.

I'm thinking of your family tonight. They don't know that tomorrow is just another hard day and the days since Friday have been hard but there are so many more hard ones to come. I have prayed for them. I cried for your daughter's pleas to come back. There will be more pleas in the next days and weeks and years.

My heart hurts for them as they try to make sense of the tragedy of losing you. It's over for you but really just beginning for them. So tonight I lay in bed and pray for them. I pray that you have found the peace you were looking for and I pray for their hearts that will never really beat the same.

May you rest in peace, sweet Courtney and may your family find peace in any little moments they can.

xxoo

Blah

The anxiety left after 2 days. Two days longer than it was invited for. It left the souvenir of "blah-ness."  I told my husband I felt sad and that wasn't really accurate. I just feel blah.

And exhausted. Totally, completely exhausted. The type of exhaustion that you just feel all the way deep in your soul and there's no real need for it.

I feel clingy and want to be super close to my husband but also want to be left alone at the exact same moment.

I want to crawl in bed and sleep for days. I want to stay in the dark and just be. I know that won't actually make me feel better but maybe just a short nap? I tell my girls, "the longer you stay in bed, the harder it is to get out of bed." True statement for depression but also...just the things I feel like I want the most.

It doesn't help that I knew this would be the next feeling after riding anxiety for a couple days. It doesn't help that I know I won't go to bed right now because I have too much to do and also because I know that it will most likely just leave me more tired.

So here we are...the next phase. Neither one better or worse than the other. Neither one very welcome. Neither one scheduled on Cozi. Neither one willing to sit back on the back burner and let me truly enjoy the days.

Thankfully, they pass. All of these days pass. They don't come as frequent as they used to. They don't stay as long as they used to. They're more manageable. They exist just as I do. Moments in time.