Change and Pumpkins

Things change. I know this. Sometimes it's harder than other times. Sometimes the changes are for the better and sometimes they are for the worse and sometimes, most of the times, they just are.

For 15 years, I'm pretty sure that's our streak, we have carved pumpkins (or A pumpkin depending on how many of us there were). For 5 years, Anitra and the kids have carved pumpkins with us. For 4 of those years, we went to the pumpkin patch, with my work, and picked out our own pumpkins from the big field of pumpkins. Last year was tough. No Anitra for the pumpkin patch and no Big R for pumpkin carving. That was a BIG change. A hard change. A not so great change. 

This year, Steve and I were in Vegas for my work's pumpkin patch visit. We decided not to go to the patch and just get pumpkins from the store. Okay...tough change for some of the kiddos and I. Miss R decided she didn't want to participate in pumpkin carving. That's okay; she's getting older and some family traditions are either hard to accept without Mom. A change that I'm having a harder time accepting then I'd like to admit. 

Steve had promised G that he would take her to the haunted house and of course tonight is the last night they are open. Not an okay change. Now we're missing Steve, Big R, and G. I took a deep breath, sucked it up, and carried on. 

The rest of us, plus Ms. Kylie, carved our pumpkins, gutted them out, seeds will be roasting tomorrow. The boys argued over what would be the most epic design, G picked the girl pumpkin design since she would not be able to help us carve it. Tai was, as always, super helpful! 

We had a good time. Little R cannot wait until she can carve more of the pumpkin on her own. She is a master gutter though! Ms. K was a delightful addition to our "party". She is really like one of the family and we cannot imagine her not being with us for these fun events. 

This pumpkin carving season will probably not be our most memorable. We survived it...and sometimes, that's the best I can say. Next year, we will be going back to the pumpkin patch and picking out our own pumpkins. I don't know if Big R will come home and carve with us next year, but she will always be welcome to. Ms. K (and her momma)will hopefully still be able to join us. The rest of the family will be here and we will banter back and forth, elbow each other, argue over who gets which knife, and make a great big mess. 

Sometimes, change shows us that we need to keep things the same. 

Let's Pretend...

With the weather getting colder and it getting darker out earlier, I have noticed two things...G and the boys play outside a LOT more. Interesting since Mr. A is always freezing and trying to wear pants in the summer but somehow finds it fun to wear shorts during the colder days, but that wasn't the point. The other thing I notice is that the little girls are more comfortable playing inside than out. I sense it is the dark that brings them in more than the chill in the air. It works for me either way.

What I hear tonight as the two 7 year old girls begin play time is "let's pretend..." The ... because it is followed by so many things, rarely being the same thing. Each sentence seems to begin with "let's pretend." It can be something as simple as "let's pretend I'm the mom and you're the daughter," "let's pretend that we're sisters," "let's pretend that you got in trouble," "let's pretend I just got home from work." "Let's pretend that I don't have any mom or dad and that you found me." That one makes sense because they have both experienced profound losses in their young little life's.

Hearing these "let's pretends" make me smile. From the very silly pretends to the more silly ones, it brightens my day. I love that these little angels aren't affected by the scary news of the day with shootings, kidnappings, starving children, healthcare reform, shut down governments, stock prices, you name it. I love that they are allowed to pretend in their worlds and that the problems that they have are no bigger than what their imaginations allow.

At least during those moments, at least when they are together and playing nicely and all is well in their worlds. It's easy to get swept up into and it's a joy to hear. 

A boy & A Cat

I received a frantic call from Ariez yesterday morning. It went kind of like this: 

A: Aunt Sami, I found Raj (a small yellow kitty we had but went missing while on vacation)!

M: What do you mean you found Raj? Where are you? What are you doing?

A: I'm at school in Ms. room and he was outside at PE and he was meowing at the door and we have to get him because it's Raj!

M: Ummm...I'm not really sure what to tell you...I'm at work and I can't leave and I don't even know if it is Raj and what are we supposed to do with this cat? 

A: We could bring it in and lock it in a room in the school until you can come get it...

No. We can't do that. So I calmed him down and told him that he should wait until after school and look around for the kitty and see if it really was Raj. 

Fast forward to after school. I get a text that goes like this:

Tai: Mom, Ariez brought this cat home and he says it's Jasper (a black/grey kitten we had but went missing a couple of weeks ago) and it's not Jasper but he won't believe me. 

M: Are you sure it's not Jasper? 

T: YES! It's not the right color and it doesn't meow the same. It's NOT Jasper. And now Ariez is going crazy? 

(Going crazy can mean a variety of things in our lives. Telling me someone is acting crazy does not narrow down an exact action, moment, feeling. It's a little hard to read what kind of crazy we are talking about. That's an important thing to clarify when announcing someone as crazy in our house.)

T: He's outside with that cat and he's calling me mean because I won't let him in the house again and he is just NOT accepting that this cat is NOT Jasper!

M: Wait...is this the same cat that he called me about this morning? He said it was Raj. Where did this cat come from?

T: He said he saw him at the school and he picked him up and carried him home.

I don't know what to do with this information. Maybe it IS Jasper and Tai is wrong. If it's not Jasper, Ariez is going to be so sad. What do I do with this cat that is now at my house. Did Ariez catnap another person's pet? 

M: Ok...this is what we're going to do. We are going to let Ariez think this cat is Jasper and we are going to let it go inside and outside, just like Halo. If the cat has a home, he will go back to it. If he doesn't have a home, we'll feed him and Ariez will be so excited. Just don't argue with him anymore. 

An hour later, I am home and this cat is CLEARLY not Jasper. Ariez and I have a very good talk and it's determined that this poor cat really does need to go back to where he got him from because somebody else is probably really missing him. All of his intentions were good but we can't just keep a cat that might belong to someone else. 

Steve and I take the cat back to where Ariez says he was. Steve opens the door and lets him out. He turns and looks at us and meows a couple of times and saunters away and goes right to the door of a house and meows. The cat has returned home after a grand adventure of a day. 

Happy Birthday in Heaven

I wonder what it's like in Heaven. We've all see the pictures of what Heaven is supposed to be like. Beautiful angels laying around on wonderful clouds. Aren't we taught that we have no physical being after life. How does that work? The kids believe Heaven is full of all the things you love most. That you will be with your family and friends that have gone before you. Rey believes that you can have all the ice cream you want in Heaven! 

My question is, what does that look like? What do we look like? What can you do or have or feel or see? Do you get to pop-in every once in awhile and see your family? Do you ever feel sad that you aren't there with them or is feeling sadness not allowed in Heaven because it's only good things? 

I absolutely believe that Heaven is for real. I don't doubt any of that. I absolutely believe that my loved ones are there. I just wonder where there is and what they are like there. Do you age in Heaven, or are my babies that have gone before me, forever babies? My sister forever 36? Will I see my sister in Heaven, my babies, my grandparents? Will I meet my husband's brother and grandparents that mean so much to him that passed before my time with him? 

And today, I wonder if they have birthday parties in Heaven. I wonder if they get to have a big celebration and wonder if they are able to sense our urgent happy birthday wishes to them. 

So Much To Write

I have been trying to blog...I really have. I've had a rough start to find the words that I am searching to say. So here's a couple "teasers" of what's to come in the next couple days (or weeks, or months...depending on how things go!)

Our large family of 8 plus Grandma Cindy, with a part of Grandma Nessa, Grandpa Steve, and GG, went on vacation this summer. It was a nerve-racking experience to get ready for but it went SO much better than I could have ever imagined. I will share a few highlights from that, though many of you watched a lot of that vacation happen through facebook updates and pictures.

We have officially "survived" the one year mark of Anitra's death. It was hard, harder than some thought it would be, not as hard as some thought. The important part is that we made it, scrapes and all.

We've started going to church. Not everyone is in love with having to get up every Sunday morning but it's been a great experience for our family and I look forward to sharing that with you all.

School started...wow, that could be an entire blog itself but I'll keep it to a post in a blog.

So anyway, hopefully I will be able to blog again and maybe try to get to it more frequently. I like being able to share our family's stories, trials, and successes.

Thank you all for so many of your thoughts, prayers, assistance. We could not be here in this journey without you.

Sam

Paula Deen and the "N" Word

I will preface this with the fact that sometimes the direction of my blog will not be completely about our family. It's going to change as I change and may seem completely random at times. Here's one of those times...(and I'm fully aware that this post is coming from a white woman. The same white woman who was concerned to be less of a human, even after black people were able to be legally defined as people and not property.)

I dislike the "N" word. I am horrified when someone calls one of my children the "N" word. I believe it is a word that should not be used by anyone, in any context. I don't like it when black people use it and I don't like it when white people use it. I don't care if it ends in an "er" or ends with an "a". That's how I feel about the "N" word.

That being said, I don't believe that using that word EVER in your lifetime, makes you a racist. I believe that there was a time in our history that using that word did not mean the same thing that it means now. I don't believe that it is a word that was ever used as a compliment, but it was used as a label, for an entire race of people, and it wasn't all that long ago that the word was used by a lot of people who would not, then nor now, consider them a racist. Times change. People change. Words carry different meaning at different times in our life.

Paula Deen was asked, in a deposition where she swore to tell the truth, if she had ever used the "N" word. Paula Deen was born in 1947 in Georgia. She was asked, if in her 66 years of life, had she EVER used the "N" word. Paula Deen said, "yes" in response to this question. Paula Deen, who is known to many as "The Southern Cooking Lady" said yes she has used the "N" word. She knew what was at stake. She knew what she was going to be asked at the deposition. Do you really think she wasn't prepared for that question? That question, in a deposition for a lawsuit stemming from an African-American women suing for harassment, was not a surprise for Paula. Should she have lied in a deposition where she was sworn under oath to tell the truth? Should she have feigned that she "couldn't recall" whether she had ever used that word?

Would anyone have believed her if she had said no? Would anybody have respected her more if she had said "I don't recall?" Does anybody think that a white woman, born and raised in the South, during a time of segregation, during a time of huge racial battle going on in America, had not ever said the "N" word during her life? I think it's unrealistic to think that, growing up when she did and where she did, she would have never used that word. That horrible, awful word. That one word that if you have EVER in your life used, instantly makes you a racist.

I don't know if Paula is a racist. She says she's not. I'm inclined to believe her. She told the truth when she knew what people would think when they heard the truth and she said it anyway. I don't know how often she used the word. I don't know if she still uses the word. She says she doesn't. She says that in this time, a time where the word is known to be offensive, she does not use the word. I don't know if she's telling the truth. I have no reason to think that she's not. I don't know of any current events where she has used the word.

I hope that, we as people, can understand that times change. I hope that, we as people, can understand that people change with these times. I hope that we can forgive and judge other's less quickly for things that they have said and done. I hope that we can stop defining people by the words of their past.

If we cannot, I think that we had all better start being a lot more careful about the words that are coming out of our mouths because at some point, someone might ask us if we've EVER, in our lives, used a word that can now define you as ignorant, racist, sexist, insensitive. Acknowledging that we've said something in our past, does not define who we are in this moment.

Good Grief

Yesterday was H(helping).U(us).G(grieve).S(successfully). Camp at the zoo for Rey, Genna, Ariez, Trey, Grandma Nessa, and I. We heard about this camp through Mourning Hope. They have been such a God-send for our family. They have provided us the tools to help us navigate this grief in a very healthy, positive way.

Grief is awful. There's no denying it. There's no sugar-coating it. There's also no way of going around it. It is imperative to go THROUGH the pain and not around it. Grief is a mystery. It's hard enough to mine the grief battlefield for ourselves, let alone recognize and allow our children to grieve. We want to stuff it all away and put a band-aid on it because grief is too hard. Mourning Hope has allowed us to support all of our children in their individual grief battlefields. We are all grieving in our own unique way and we certainly need the help to continue to help them do it successfully.

Yesterday's camp was hard work but it was good work. It was important work. It was work that we will continue to do and hopefully continue to help our children do. We know now that grieving is not on a timetable. We know that it is something that we will carry with us every day that was live. It doesn't have to be hard everyday but it will certainly be with us. We will continue to go to "grief camps" and workshops that allow us to express the things we hold onto deep inside us.

I am so proud of my kiddos and my mother for coming and facing feelings that sit at the surface, no matter how hard we try to pretend they don't. I'm proud of them for having the courage to face the hard grief work and the strength to share what they are feeling. I'm proud of the progress they have made and will continue to nurture the progress that we still need to move through.

Grief is hard. The work is good. The work is good for our hearts, it's good for our souls, it's good for minds.