Not What I Was Anticipating

I really thought that Spring would bring a massive amount of relief with it. I get so excited when the sun shines more and the days seem longer.

This year, it's not living up to my expectations yet. I don't know if that's because every time I think about putting away winter clothes, it turns out to be 40 degree weather the next day, or if it's because there is something more wrong with me and my ability to find the joy in things.

Don't get me wrong. I am prayerful and hopeful (most days on the hope, always on the prayer). I REALLY want to feel better. I love that the kids are excited for school to be out. I love that they can play outside later and that more days than not they are able to wear their shorts and t-shirts. I love the sunshine. I love the warmer weather. I am just not feeling it down in my bones yet.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day. He commented to me along the lines of sadness getting easier as time goes on after someone you love dies. I was pretty outraged. Mostly because I'd had a pretty long draining week before that and I had some trigger moments that rocked me. I said to him that it doesn't really get easier, it just gets sneakier. I mean that in the way that you start to feel better and you feel like things will be okay and then something sneaks up on you and BAM...it hits you and steals your breath and since you weren't expecting it, it takes that much longer to feel "okay" again. The higher you get, the harder it is to fall.

Every holiday is hard and because a part of me is expecting it to be a little bit easier, it actually is a little bit harder. Easter was not nice. While I'm in the midst of trying to enjoy my day, an overwhelming sadness is lurking inside me. I keep trying and trying to push it down and more and more it won't go away.

Mother's Day is next weekend. Mother's Day is hard around here. I mourn the fact that half of my kiddo's mother is not here. I try to make the day special so that they can honor her. We send a note to Heaven via balloon and the kids like that. This year we are making a memorial stone for Anitra. We have some of her ashes left and we will mix it with the cement and each kiddo will have a colored rock that is just for them. When it hardens we are going to place it in the ground. Pretty much Mother's Day is just an emotional land mine day that I collapse at the end of.

Graduation is coming. Much sooner than I am ready for. The closer it gets, the more disorganized I get. It's not working out the way I had envisioned. Thinking about graduation is sad and happy. Sad because she won't be here for it, and happy for R because it's her big day. So when I think of graduation, I get a little more depressed and a little more disorganized.

It's going to be a long month. I will continue to pray. I will continue to be hopeful. But I have to be honest...it's getting pretty hard...