There are days that the anxiety feels like too much.
It isn't necessarily triggered by anything but yet feels to be triggered by everything all at the same time. Like I'm forgetting to feel or do something big, or even a bunch of little things. It feels like some bad thing is in the near future or has already happened but I don't know about it yet.
The stack of dishes at home seems overwhelming to think about. The stack of paperwork in my desk seems too overwhelming to put away. The bills that need paid (that will be paid on payday) seem too much even though I know they aren't because we pay them every month. The kids that need things (as kids should) that feel too big a need, even if it's just to feed them dinner. The thought of driving home but not wanting to be anywhere else.
With the anxiety usually comes guilt. I'm spread too thin to give each entity exactly how much they need. Guilt that I stayed up too late or went to bed too early. Guilt that I could not be exactly who each person needed me to be in that exact moment. Guilt that I haven't done enough and won't leave a lasting legacy when my time has come.
Some of the things I get anxious about sound silly, especially to me on a good day but on a bad day...well all bets are off and I can imagine and feel every single emotion and thought that there is.
I know that it will pass but in the meantime, it sits on my chest like a very large elephant, making it hard to breathe, making it hard to focus. Making it hard to feel just ok. So I tell myself, "it's okay to not feel ok all of the time." I tell myself, "the only one who expects you to do it all perfectly is yourself (though that one is mostly a lie)." But I don't feel the things I tell myself. I still feel the anxiety and the overwhelming urge to crawl into bed and do nothing.
I know that out of the blue, I will feel better. No magic pill, no magic solution to any real or imagined problem. Just boom...I won't feel it in my soul anymore. I don't know if that will happen in an hour, in 3 hours, tomorrow...it's passing is as unpredictable as it's coming.
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Thursday, April 11, 2019
Teamwork
I've seen two versions of this on several different fb posts today.
I distinctly remember telling my husband, during a particularly rough patch, "I don't need you to do this life with me. I WANT to do this life with you but I do not need you to survive it." I was pretty proud of my "I am woman, hear me roar" statement at that moment.
It's a true, and untrue statement all at the same time.
Truth - If, God-forbid something happened to my husband or my wedded status, I would in-fact survive. It wouldn't be the same and it wouldn't be as great and it wouldn't be my dream. Life would look very, very different than I have imagined our future. It would make me sad and it would make me angry and it would even probably take a good amount of time to get to "survival." But survive I would...
Untrue - I DO need him to do THIS life. The life that we are living right this minute, the life that we have envisioned for our future, the life that we want to live (well, I haven't asked him today so I should say I want to live (haha)). This life, the one we keep fighting for, the one we keep asking our children to hold onto, needs both of us together needing each other.
There is absolutely no shame in needing a person. There is no shame in needing each other to get through life's every day crap. It's not even all the big stuff; it's the nitty-gritty day-by-exhausting-day stuff that we need each other for. He needs me to start dinner because I get home earlier. I need him to do the laundry because it's something that totally overwhelms me. He needs me to remind him about appointments. I need him to make sure the bills are all paid. He needs me to set my alarm early to make sure the kids have gotten up. I need him to stay up later to pick up kids from events.
Now, could we do these things on our own? I mean, of course we could. We are both pretty competent people. But the point is that we don't have to do all of it ourselves. We are a team. We do absolutely depend on each other and need each other as a part of our team.
Depending on each other isn't weakness, it isn't a lack of independence, it's teamwork.
I distinctly remember telling my husband, during a particularly rough patch, "I don't need you to do this life with me. I WANT to do this life with you but I do not need you to survive it." I was pretty proud of my "I am woman, hear me roar" statement at that moment.It's a true, and untrue statement all at the same time.
Truth - If, God-forbid something happened to my husband or my wedded status, I would in-fact survive. It wouldn't be the same and it wouldn't be as great and it wouldn't be my dream. Life would look very, very different than I have imagined our future. It would make me sad and it would make me angry and it would even probably take a good amount of time to get to "survival." But survive I would...
Untrue - I DO need him to do THIS life. The life that we are living right this minute, the life that we have envisioned for our future, the life that we want to live (well, I haven't asked him today so I should say I want to live (haha)). This life, the one we keep fighting for, the one we keep asking our children to hold onto, needs both of us together needing each other.
There is absolutely no shame in needing a person. There is no shame in needing each other to get through life's every day crap. It's not even all the big stuff; it's the nitty-gritty day-by-exhausting-day stuff that we need each other for. He needs me to start dinner because I get home earlier. I need him to do the laundry because it's something that totally overwhelms me. He needs me to remind him about appointments. I need him to make sure the bills are all paid. He needs me to set my alarm early to make sure the kids have gotten up. I need him to stay up later to pick up kids from events.
Now, could we do these things on our own? I mean, of course we could. We are both pretty competent people. But the point is that we don't have to do all of it ourselves. We are a team. We do absolutely depend on each other and need each other as a part of our team.
Depending on each other isn't weakness, it isn't a lack of independence, it's teamwork.
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
Sibling Day
Apparently it's National Sibling Day. I have seen it all over Facebook so it must be true.
I have a super blended family. A couple of them. On my biological father's side, I have 1 sister, two brothers. On my biological mothers side, I have 4 sisters (one is the same as my dad's side), 2 brothers. One of these sisters is full-blooded, 2 sisters are half-sisters, 2 brothers are half-brothers, 2 brothers are step-brothers, and 1 sister is a step-sister. Did I mention one my sisters is deceased? That makes it for a whole other question when people ask, "how many siblings do you have?" On one side of my family I am the youngest but middle and on the other side of the family I am the oldest. Try explaining all of that to a genetic counselor. :)
In turn, I have my own super blended set of blended children. Three of my children are biologically mine, 1 of them is biologically mine but from a previous marriage, and 3 of them are adopted but are also my nieces and nephew. So their sibling set is complicated too. All but two of my children have extended siblings.
How many friends do you have that you consider a sibling? I have a couple. They are so close that friend doesn't seem quite appropriate even though there is nothing biologically making them a sibling.
How do you celebrate National Sibling Day? Did you even know it was a thing? Is it even a thing?
To be honest, when Anitra first died, I struggled with it. Now, I smile when I see all the silly memes and remember those times of fighting over the remote (like my daughter just posted). I give heart hugs (little heart prayers) to those expressing loss of siblings. I pull memories from my mind of each of my siblings. I smile, or frown, depending on which memory is pulled.
Being a sibling is fun! Sure, there are moments when we've each thought "dang, I wish I was an only child!" Mostly though, I feel bad for my friends who don't have siblings...they have no idea that you could hope beyond hope that one of them got blamed for whatever was messy or broken growing up; they have no idea that there's a whole language for siblings. I hope that they have friends and cousins that they consider siblings.
I'm so thankful for all of the lessons my siblings and I have learned together, or been taught by each other. I'm thankful my kids have a wide-variety of the same.
Happy Siblings Day! (Not to any of my siblings because they don't read this! HA!)
I have a super blended family. A couple of them. On my biological father's side, I have 1 sister, two brothers. On my biological mothers side, I have 4 sisters (one is the same as my dad's side), 2 brothers. One of these sisters is full-blooded, 2 sisters are half-sisters, 2 brothers are half-brothers, 2 brothers are step-brothers, and 1 sister is a step-sister. Did I mention one my sisters is deceased? That makes it for a whole other question when people ask, "how many siblings do you have?" On one side of my family I am the youngest but middle and on the other side of the family I am the oldest. Try explaining all of that to a genetic counselor. :)
In turn, I have my own super blended set of blended children. Three of my children are biologically mine, 1 of them is biologically mine but from a previous marriage, and 3 of them are adopted but are also my nieces and nephew. So their sibling set is complicated too. All but two of my children have extended siblings.
How many friends do you have that you consider a sibling? I have a couple. They are so close that friend doesn't seem quite appropriate even though there is nothing biologically making them a sibling.
How do you celebrate National Sibling Day? Did you even know it was a thing? Is it even a thing?
To be honest, when Anitra first died, I struggled with it. Now, I smile when I see all the silly memes and remember those times of fighting over the remote (like my daughter just posted). I give heart hugs (little heart prayers) to those expressing loss of siblings. I pull memories from my mind of each of my siblings. I smile, or frown, depending on which memory is pulled.
Being a sibling is fun! Sure, there are moments when we've each thought "dang, I wish I was an only child!" Mostly though, I feel bad for my friends who don't have siblings...they have no idea that you could hope beyond hope that one of them got blamed for whatever was messy or broken growing up; they have no idea that there's a whole language for siblings. I hope that they have friends and cousins that they consider siblings.
I'm so thankful for all of the lessons my siblings and I have learned together, or been taught by each other. I'm thankful my kids have a wide-variety of the same.
Happy Siblings Day! (Not to any of my siblings because they don't read this! HA!)
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Life Goes Fast
Life goes by so very fast. I am so guilty of thinking that the day, the week, the month is never going to end but then poof it's gone and you can't get it back. All you get to take with you into the next day is the memories of the one's before.
I tell you this because I am sitting here looking at the snow forecast for the weekend and thinking, "winter is NEVER going to end!" I then read on someone's fb post that they are praying for a peaceful end to their loved one's life. Perspective for me.
Life goes fast...winter IS going to end and the only thing we'll take from it are the memories of the days that we were snowed in, or the extra time we spent in the car with our kids because the roads were slowing people down, the cute hats and mittens we put our little ones in, the lazy weekend because it's too cold and snowy to even try to venture out.
Life goes fast...another friend is posting about her parent's 43rd wedding anniversary while her brother posts pictures of the years throughout their marriage. I bet the wedding day never seemed like it would come, the pregnancies a feeling that never ending bulging tummy, illnesses and healing that may have occurred through the years that seemed like they were going to last forever and yet, they have pushed through and are here to make more memories this day and perhaps think, "where has the time gone?"
Life goes fast...my dear friend bravely fought her cancer for 5 short months. I would imagine those months didn't feel fast as they went to doctor's appointments and healed from surgery and watched the changes that cancer had made in their loved one. Now that she has passed away, I would bet that it feels like it went too fast.
Life goes fast...when our children are born it seems like eternity when you're sleep deprived and waking up for 3 am feedings, when you're potty training and when they hit those terrifying 3's and sassy teenage years. Then somehow they are old enough to have babies, get married, move away to college and you wonder how it all seemed to go so quickly.
Life goes fast...when my job ended at the CAC, it seemed to take forever to find another job. Then 6 months into my job with Nelnet, I was granted an interview with the YWCA. It almost seems like a lifetime ago because so much has happened but yesterday I celebrated my one year anniversary.
Life goes fast...so hold on tight to each of your blessings, love with all you have, forgive as we have been forgiven, don't let people live rent free in your soul for too long, speak kindness into the world, compliment often, speak love, and most of all remember that what seems to be taking too long or what seems to be a really long and hard struggle will be over and will only be a memory soon enough. Remember that each day we have on Earth is temporary and is only here to prepare us for what is next to come.
xxoo
I tell you this because I am sitting here looking at the snow forecast for the weekend and thinking, "winter is NEVER going to end!" I then read on someone's fb post that they are praying for a peaceful end to their loved one's life. Perspective for me.
Life goes fast...winter IS going to end and the only thing we'll take from it are the memories of the days that we were snowed in, or the extra time we spent in the car with our kids because the roads were slowing people down, the cute hats and mittens we put our little ones in, the lazy weekend because it's too cold and snowy to even try to venture out.
Life goes fast...another friend is posting about her parent's 43rd wedding anniversary while her brother posts pictures of the years throughout their marriage. I bet the wedding day never seemed like it would come, the pregnancies a feeling that never ending bulging tummy, illnesses and healing that may have occurred through the years that seemed like they were going to last forever and yet, they have pushed through and are here to make more memories this day and perhaps think, "where has the time gone?"
Life goes fast...my dear friend bravely fought her cancer for 5 short months. I would imagine those months didn't feel fast as they went to doctor's appointments and healed from surgery and watched the changes that cancer had made in their loved one. Now that she has passed away, I would bet that it feels like it went too fast.
Life goes fast...when our children are born it seems like eternity when you're sleep deprived and waking up for 3 am feedings, when you're potty training and when they hit those terrifying 3's and sassy teenage years. Then somehow they are old enough to have babies, get married, move away to college and you wonder how it all seemed to go so quickly.
Life goes fast...when my job ended at the CAC, it seemed to take forever to find another job. Then 6 months into my job with Nelnet, I was granted an interview with the YWCA. It almost seems like a lifetime ago because so much has happened but yesterday I celebrated my one year anniversary.
Life goes fast...so hold on tight to each of your blessings, love with all you have, forgive as we have been forgiven, don't let people live rent free in your soul for too long, speak kindness into the world, compliment often, speak love, and most of all remember that what seems to be taking too long or what seems to be a really long and hard struggle will be over and will only be a memory soon enough. Remember that each day we have on Earth is temporary and is only here to prepare us for what is next to come.
xxoo
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Cancer - Not Cancer
On January 24th, my dear friend called me and said the PET scan shows what is 99% sure to be cancer in his lymph nodes throughout his entire body. The doctor said that of the 10 things it could be, 9 of them were a form of cancer and the 10th had such a low possibility that he had never seen it. So we prepared for the final diagnosis of cancer, following a biopsy, and looked into possible treatments.
On January 25th, another beautiful dear friend of mine was put into hospice after a very short battle with glioblastoma (brain cancer). She was diagnosed late last year and had surgery and chemo and radiation. There was never a prognosis that allowed her to survive, just extended the time we had with her. It was determined that none of those things works and that the tumor was bigger and growing.
Last night, the world lost a beautiful, beautiful soul. She was my first real friend at W&R and she gave incredible advice and was a source of amusement and always reminded me of the bigger picture when I got in my own way. From our Laffy Taffy breaks to Weight Watcher Saturdays and lunches, to Pizza Friday and fried green beans, to mall walking and sharing Honest Abe's burgers and fries. She was bigger than life and one of the most generous beings on the planet. She truly lived life her way and lived her life to the fullest. She will be greatly missed. My heart is sad for those of us she left behind but happy for her that she is at peace and no longer suffering. Her presence will be missed by many.
Today, we found out that my other dear friend does not in fact have cancer. He is a UNICORN of all unicorns in that what was 99% cancer, is not cancer and is an infection of some sorts. While I know that an infection can be very serious and dangerous (especially as it courses through so many parts of his body), I refuse not to let my heart do a little dance for him not having cancer. Today I will celebrate his not having cancer. We will deal with whatever the infectious disease doctors have to say when that day comes. For now I am going to proclaim "cancer will NOT get THIS friend!"
A heavy heart that is able to find the joy in the non-heavy moments. Cancer is ugly. Cancer is powerful. Not having cancer is beautiful and a non-cancer diagnosis will be cheered for.
On January 25th, another beautiful dear friend of mine was put into hospice after a very short battle with glioblastoma (brain cancer). She was diagnosed late last year and had surgery and chemo and radiation. There was never a prognosis that allowed her to survive, just extended the time we had with her. It was determined that none of those things works and that the tumor was bigger and growing.
Last night, the world lost a beautiful, beautiful soul. She was my first real friend at W&R and she gave incredible advice and was a source of amusement and always reminded me of the bigger picture when I got in my own way. From our Laffy Taffy breaks to Weight Watcher Saturdays and lunches, to Pizza Friday and fried green beans, to mall walking and sharing Honest Abe's burgers and fries. She was bigger than life and one of the most generous beings on the planet. She truly lived life her way and lived her life to the fullest. She will be greatly missed. My heart is sad for those of us she left behind but happy for her that she is at peace and no longer suffering. Her presence will be missed by many.
Today, we found out that my other dear friend does not in fact have cancer. He is a UNICORN of all unicorns in that what was 99% cancer, is not cancer and is an infection of some sorts. While I know that an infection can be very serious and dangerous (especially as it courses through so many parts of his body), I refuse not to let my heart do a little dance for him not having cancer. Today I will celebrate his not having cancer. We will deal with whatever the infectious disease doctors have to say when that day comes. For now I am going to proclaim "cancer will NOT get THIS friend!"
A heavy heart that is able to find the joy in the non-heavy moments. Cancer is ugly. Cancer is powerful. Not having cancer is beautiful and a non-cancer diagnosis will be cheered for.
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Safe and Somber
Our beautiful G is in the hospital again. She had a little set back. We have been well informed by many in the profession that this would likely happen again. It doesn't make it any easier...
She took herself off of her medications a couple of weeks ago. By the time she told us, it was too late to just re-start them at her regular doses. We have to go back to square one and re-start at the lowest, safest dose and titrate up again. To be completely honest, she could have very well ended up in the hospital even if she hadn't taken herself off of them.
For those of you not living in the mental health world, the most obvious question is, "why in the world would she do that?!" The answer is simple, and not simple at the same time. She wants to be "normal." Don't we all? She sees her friends laughing and having a good time. She wants to do that but she has a major depression disorder and she doesn't feel that same joy. So she thinks, "my friends don't need medicine to feel normal..." or "maybe my meds are too strong to feel any other emotion..." When she doesn't feel normal, she feels like she's broken and there is nothing that will change that will allow her to feel that joy. She begins to feel hopeless and lost.
Most people in the mental health world have experienced the exact same thoughts and feelings. Another common thought is, "I feel better, I don't really need these meds." It's not uncommon to take yourself off of your meds. It's not uncommon to not reach out to those around you in your support system before taking yourself off of the meds.
"If she had cancer, would anyone question why she was in the hospital again? No, they'd just be thankful that the hospital and doctors are there to treat her." This statement was made to me...I need to remember that. It's hard, especially if you constantly feel like you have to justify her treatment to others.
We want to let other people know that it's okay to talk about mental health. It's okay to ask questions, as long as they are supportive questions; questions to learn more about her processes and diagnosis. Those questions help end the stigma. It's okay to offer resources. "If it was my kid, I would do xyz..." statements are not really helpful. Especially if you haven't walked this journey with us. You don't know what we already have done; you don't know what the doctors have done; you don't know what our daily life looks like; you don't know enough about her diagnosis to determine what you would do in the same situation.
We are thankful for the support and prayers that are offered. I just visited with her and she is safe. She is somber. She is talking about the future. We don't know what tomorrow will be like. We don't know what the next step is yet. Most likely she will be home in a few days and we will continue on this journey. There will be blips, there will be highs, there will be lows. This is a daily battle. Some days it takes a fly swatter to beat and some days it takes a full army of tanks.
She took herself off of her medications a couple of weeks ago. By the time she told us, it was too late to just re-start them at her regular doses. We have to go back to square one and re-start at the lowest, safest dose and titrate up again. To be completely honest, she could have very well ended up in the hospital even if she hadn't taken herself off of them.
For those of you not living in the mental health world, the most obvious question is, "why in the world would she do that?!" The answer is simple, and not simple at the same time. She wants to be "normal." Don't we all? She sees her friends laughing and having a good time. She wants to do that but she has a major depression disorder and she doesn't feel that same joy. So she thinks, "my friends don't need medicine to feel normal..." or "maybe my meds are too strong to feel any other emotion..." When she doesn't feel normal, she feels like she's broken and there is nothing that will change that will allow her to feel that joy. She begins to feel hopeless and lost.
Most people in the mental health world have experienced the exact same thoughts and feelings. Another common thought is, "I feel better, I don't really need these meds." It's not uncommon to take yourself off of your meds. It's not uncommon to not reach out to those around you in your support system before taking yourself off of the meds.
"If she had cancer, would anyone question why she was in the hospital again? No, they'd just be thankful that the hospital and doctors are there to treat her." This statement was made to me...I need to remember that. It's hard, especially if you constantly feel like you have to justify her treatment to others.
We want to let other people know that it's okay to talk about mental health. It's okay to ask questions, as long as they are supportive questions; questions to learn more about her processes and diagnosis. Those questions help end the stigma. It's okay to offer resources. "If it was my kid, I would do xyz..." statements are not really helpful. Especially if you haven't walked this journey with us. You don't know what we already have done; you don't know what the doctors have done; you don't know what our daily life looks like; you don't know enough about her diagnosis to determine what you would do in the same situation.
We are thankful for the support and prayers that are offered. I just visited with her and she is safe. She is somber. She is talking about the future. We don't know what tomorrow will be like. We don't know what the next step is yet. Most likely she will be home in a few days and we will continue on this journey. There will be blips, there will be highs, there will be lows. This is a daily battle. Some days it takes a fly swatter to beat and some days it takes a full army of tanks.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
The Holiday Season
Our gracious Board of Directors gifted all of my staff with the week off between Christmas and New Years. I "worked" (we had a party) until 3:00 on the 21st and go back to work in the morning.
It became very apparent to me during the weeks before Christmas that I truly needed some down time. I blogged that my entire soul was tired previously and I needed some respite.
I'm not sure I completely got that as we were still kind of busy but I did shut down for a bit. No work, no school, no Tupperware even. I just needed some time to reorganize my thoughts and soul.
We spent Friday night to Sunday evening in Kearney celebrating Christmas with our families. We spent Christmas Eve with Steve's uncle and spent Christmas Day with my mom and Pops. We spent hours playing games, watching movies, eating all the yummy foods that probably weren't very good for us. I got to take some naps, read 2 books that had nothing to do with school or work and spent a couple of days just hanging out in my pajamas.
We spent New Year's Eve with friends playing games, eating junk food, and crotcheting (against doctor's orders). Turns out I have tennis elbow which is what has been plaguing me with pain for the last several weeks. I'm in a brace and supposed to avoid repetitive motion (crotcheting and chopping vegetables) but I'm still doing a little bit of that because, well I only to get a break from school for so long and then all projects will go back on hold while I tackle more homework.
I won't say that I'm completely back to par. I will say that I'm less emotionally drained. I am almost ready to go back to work (only because I apparently have to have a paycheck) and I am getting ready for school to start again next week. I will be trying harder to take short breaks and attempting to not get quite so emotionally exhausted as the new year kicks off. The last 6ish months has taught me that I really do need to step back every so often and just take a deep breath. I think it's the only way to keep going during this truly busy season in our lives.
Wishing you and yours a fabulous kick off to the new year. I hope you remember to take some time to just breathe it all in.
It became very apparent to me during the weeks before Christmas that I truly needed some down time. I blogged that my entire soul was tired previously and I needed some respite.
I'm not sure I completely got that as we were still kind of busy but I did shut down for a bit. No work, no school, no Tupperware even. I just needed some time to reorganize my thoughts and soul.
We spent Friday night to Sunday evening in Kearney celebrating Christmas with our families. We spent Christmas Eve with Steve's uncle and spent Christmas Day with my mom and Pops. We spent hours playing games, watching movies, eating all the yummy foods that probably weren't very good for us. I got to take some naps, read 2 books that had nothing to do with school or work and spent a couple of days just hanging out in my pajamas.
We spent New Year's Eve with friends playing games, eating junk food, and crotcheting (against doctor's orders). Turns out I have tennis elbow which is what has been plaguing me with pain for the last several weeks. I'm in a brace and supposed to avoid repetitive motion (crotcheting and chopping vegetables) but I'm still doing a little bit of that because, well I only to get a break from school for so long and then all projects will go back on hold while I tackle more homework.
I won't say that I'm completely back to par. I will say that I'm less emotionally drained. I am almost ready to go back to work (only because I apparently have to have a paycheck) and I am getting ready for school to start again next week. I will be trying harder to take short breaks and attempting to not get quite so emotionally exhausted as the new year kicks off. The last 6ish months has taught me that I really do need to step back every so often and just take a deep breath. I think it's the only way to keep going during this truly busy season in our lives.
Wishing you and yours a fabulous kick off to the new year. I hope you remember to take some time to just breathe it all in.
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